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patience
August 2008 
What was the last thing you found yourself waiting for?
Posted on Jun 24th, 2008
by 
Iza
Iza
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for June 24, 2008:
A man. (sigh). Well, one man in particular who, after explaining to me how busy and complicated his life is, still wanted to take more time to go out and seemingly see where our amazing connection might go. A man who I respect, and admire, and feel huge amounts of affection and giddiness for but who also drives me nuts and gets under my skin and has made me wait...and I'm impatient. And it's not just waiting on him, it's waiting on hope, and on the idea of my heart not being stupid and not leading me into crap again.
But in the waiting, I have learned so much, I have started to face some of my own demons, I have reclaimed my body (in babysteps) and heart and mind (a little) from the trauma of the past (that now I have to face, albeit reluctantly) and I am grateful for the wait. I've also started to think...what, exactly, was I waiting for, again? Remind me? A sense of companionship and joy and comfort and safety that I thought being with him could give me, or that I feel around him? Well, I still think that might be coming (but maybe not from him...I've started to really accept that), but I'm more concerned with my own sense of self, my own sense of security and trust and acceptance and love and faith in the universe right now.
So now I wait as I heal. Take my time (or try to) and be kind to myself as I see the scars I've been hiding for so long, and look at them, really look at them, and share them, and find out just how much energy it took to hide them. And in the meantime, I bellydance, I play with new friends, I try to get back into dating (from a safe distance), and I try to remember that its okay, that the universe knows best, that my heart hasn't been stupid, that there is a reason why companionship is just not in the cards right now and that it has more to do with me being me and delighting in being me than anything else. But I'm impatient and want to know that magic and love and all those things are possible, so I still wish I could shortcut all this. Ugh, I dunno.
But in the waiting, I have learned so much, I have started to face some of my own demons, I have reclaimed my body (in babysteps) and heart and mind (a little) from the trauma of the past (that now I have to face, albeit reluctantly) and I am grateful for the wait. I've also started to think...what, exactly, was I waiting for, again? Remind me? A sense of companionship and joy and comfort and safety that I thought being with him could give me, or that I feel around him? Well, I still think that might be coming (but maybe not from him...I've started to really accept that), but I'm more concerned with my own sense of self, my own sense of security and trust and acceptance and love and faith in the universe right now.
So now I wait as I heal. Take my time (or try to) and be kind to myself as I see the scars I've been hiding for so long, and look at them, really look at them, and share them, and find out just how much energy it took to hide them. And in the meantime, I bellydance, I play with new friends, I try to get back into dating (from a safe distance), and I try to remember that its okay, that the universe knows best, that my heart hasn't been stupid, that there is a reason why companionship is just not in the cards right now and that it has more to do with me being me and delighting in being me than anything else. But I'm impatient and want to know that magic and love and all those things are possible, so I still wish I could shortcut all this. Ugh, I dunno.
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Your juxtaposition of “magic” and “love” is interesting. Do you think maybe its possible that the two are mutually exclusive? “Magic” is that feeling that the normal boundaries of life have been transcended, right? That something not just extraordinary but practically supernatural is happening.
“Love” on the other hand, is much more grounded…its about knowledge and understanding and the yin/yang of a person's good and bad qualities.
I wonder if maybe we'd be more likely to find love if we were willing to skip the magic…or better yet if we learned to feel the magic during the experience of love, rather than the experience of “falling in love.”
Thoughts?