I think it depends on whether its a choice or a feels thrust upon me--either way I think solitude brings me to moments where I can be still and silent and just listen.  I think sometimes I spend so much time feeling and listening and responding to the world around me and trying to be in the spirit of the moment that when I am still, i feel like the world's rug has been pulled out from under me and now I have to think about what I've done, what I've left to do, etc.  But really, no rug has been pulled, I think the rug actually gets thicker and happier and I do not HAVE to do anything but be with and love myself.  Maybe that's why it sometimes feels thrust upon me, I'm still learning to really love being with myself, perhaps that's a lifelong task, but being alone is one of the few ways I can say STOP to everything but me and just accept where I am now, not where I want to be or where I hope to be, but where I am right now.  And it gives me time to wink at myself and say "you're fabulous just as you are."  Which is always nice to hear.

Accepting it all, what I think is good or I think is bad, as it is *truthfully,* right here, right now.  Realizing that while I may know where I want to be (aka not in pain, not in denial, not in fear) but being gentle and loving with myself and being just fine with the fact that I'm not there yet.

Of course these posts always come up at the best time (synchronicity) as am currently "trying" to heal from a painful situation that has brought me symptoms of what you might call ptsd in the recent years.  I realized that when I acknowledged where I was, and how alone and lost and scared I felt, AND decided to face it and talk to a professional (I've tried it before, but not with specific topic-expert people), I opened up Pandora's box.  But instead of having it flood me with feelings I thought I couldn't control, now it just sits there, laden with hard thoughts, in the corner of my heart, but it's kinder than I thought it would be.  The box doesn't randomly shoot things out at me and give me flashbacks or random anger and hate anymore.  It's like all those things it kept throwing at me were so that I would acknowledge it was in the room, and the more I ignored it, the more attention-seeking it got, like a stubborn child.  Now I see the box in the corner and that it's just a little kid that wants to be told "I love you." 

Not there in saying it yet, but at least I'm ok with the box being in the room.  And that's a start.

A man.  (sigh).  Well, one man in particular who, after explaining to me how busy and complicated his life is, still wanted to take more time to go out and seemingly see where our amazing connection might go.  A man who I respect, and admire, and feel huge amounts of affection and giddiness for but who also drives me nuts and gets under my skin and has made me wait...and I'm impatient.  And it's not just waiting on him, it's waiting on hope, and on the idea of my heart not being stupid and not leading me into crap again. 

But in the waiting, I have learned so much, I have started to face some of my own demons, I have reclaimed my body (in babysteps) and heart and mind (a little) from the trauma of the past (that now I have to face, albeit reluctantly) and I am grateful for the wait.  I've also started to think...what, exactly, was I waiting for, again?  Remind me?  A sense of companionship and joy and comfort and safety that I thought being with him could give me, or that I feel around him?  Well, I still think that might be coming (but maybe not from him...I've started to really accept that), but I'm more concerned with my own sense of self, my own sense of security and trust and acceptance and love and faith in the universe right now. 

So now I wait as I heal.  Take my time (or try to) and be kind to myself as I see the scars I've been hiding for so long, and look at them, really look at them, and share them, and find out just how much energy it took to hide them.  And in the meantime, I bellydance, I play with new friends, I try to get back into dating (from a safe distance), and I try to remember that its okay, that the universe knows best, that my heart hasn't been stupid, that there is a reason why companionship is just not in the cards right now and that it has more to do with me being me and delighting in being me than anything else.  But I'm impatient and want to know that magic and love and all those things are possible, so I still wish I could shortcut all this.  Ugh, I dunno.