Um, today.  But I think I'm starting to see that this concept of me having some sort of "character" (aside from the concept of "character" as in standing up for what you believe in and living your life according to your highest self, etc.) is kinda silly.  I'm not who I thought I would be when I was 12, and thank goodness.  I am much more, and more for the choices I made from the heart that stretched my boundaries then from the times I did exactly what I expected I would do. 

Considering that I tend toward my brain being very strict and harsh on myself, and am learning to really relax and flow (and proud of my progress, if I say so myself :D), thank the universe that I DO behave out of character more.  I've stopped imagining there's a box around me I should fit in, including the Good Person box and the Good Daughter box and the Happy Friend box and the Workaholic box and Staunch MeatEater Box.  I think instead I'm sitting in an open field with a big blue sky above me and just listening to myself first instead of the ocean of people and feelings and conditions beyond me.  So yay.

"Gwiazda" which means "Star" in Polish.  I was pointing to a big blue 8-pointed star as we drove by it in our car on the way to downtown Chicago.   Interestingly enough, i didn't remember this until 21 years later, after I got a tattoo of the Rider-Waite Star card on my arm.  And then I remembered that.  And then I learned that it actually corresponded to my birthday and the Aquarius sign, and all of these other direct connections to me.  The card means so many things to me, but ultimately, of hope coming from unexpected places, of divine connection, of bringing my energies to myself as well as to the earth, being vulnerable and renewed and following the light.  Hmmm...

A man.  (sigh).  Well, one man in particular who, after explaining to me how busy and complicated his life is, still wanted to take more time to go out and seemingly see where our amazing connection might go.  A man who I respect, and admire, and feel huge amounts of affection and giddiness for but who also drives me nuts and gets under my skin and has made me wait...and I'm impatient.  And it's not just waiting on him, it's waiting on hope, and on the idea of my heart not being stupid and not leading me into crap again. 

But in the waiting, I have learned so much, I have started to face some of my own demons, I have reclaimed my body (in babysteps) and heart and mind (a little) from the trauma of the past (that now I have to face, albeit reluctantly) and I am grateful for the wait.  I've also started to think...what, exactly, was I waiting for, again?  Remind me?  A sense of companionship and joy and comfort and safety that I thought being with him could give me, or that I feel around him?  Well, I still think that might be coming (but maybe not from him...I've started to really accept that), but I'm more concerned with my own sense of self, my own sense of security and trust and acceptance and love and faith in the universe right now. 

So now I wait as I heal.  Take my time (or try to) and be kind to myself as I see the scars I've been hiding for so long, and look at them, really look at them, and share them, and find out just how much energy it took to hide them.  And in the meantime, I bellydance, I play with new friends, I try to get back into dating (from a safe distance), and I try to remember that its okay, that the universe knows best, that my heart hasn't been stupid, that there is a reason why companionship is just not in the cards right now and that it has more to do with me being me and delighting in being me than anything else.  But I'm impatient and want to know that magic and love and all those things are possible, so I still wish I could shortcut all this.  Ugh, I dunno.

Accepting it all, what I think is good or I think is bad, as it is *truthfully,* right here, right now.  Realizing that while I may know where I want to be (aka not in pain, not in denial, not in fear) but being gentle and loving with myself and being just fine with the fact that I'm not there yet.

Of course these posts always come up at the best time (synchronicity) as am currently "trying" to heal from a painful situation that has brought me symptoms of what you might call ptsd in the recent years.  I realized that when I acknowledged where I was, and how alone and lost and scared I felt, AND decided to face it and talk to a professional (I've tried it before, but not with specific topic-expert people), I opened up Pandora's box.  But instead of having it flood me with feelings I thought I couldn't control, now it just sits there, laden with hard thoughts, in the corner of my heart, but it's kinder than I thought it would be.  The box doesn't randomly shoot things out at me and give me flashbacks or random anger and hate anymore.  It's like all those things it kept throwing at me were so that I would acknowledge it was in the room, and the more I ignored it, the more attention-seeking it got, like a stubborn child.  Now I see the box in the corner and that it's just a little kid that wants to be told "I love you." 

Not there in saying it yet, but at least I'm ok with the box being in the room.  And that's a start.

I think it depends on whether its a choice or a feels thrust upon me--either way I think solitude brings me to moments where I can be still and silent and just listen.  I think sometimes I spend so much time feeling and listening and responding to the world around me and trying to be in the spirit of the moment that when I am still, i feel like the world's rug has been pulled out from under me and now I have to think about what I've done, what I've left to do, etc.  But really, no rug has been pulled, I think the rug actually gets thicker and happier and I do not HAVE to do anything but be with and love myself.  Maybe that's why it sometimes feels thrust upon me, I'm still learning to really love being with myself, perhaps that's a lifelong task, but being alone is one of the few ways I can say STOP to everything but me and just accept where I am now, not where I want to be or where I hope to be, but where I am right now.  And it gives me time to wink at myself and say "you're fabulous just as you are."  Which is always nice to hear.

...now.  I've been half-watching Oprah for years and am alternately inspired and disappointed by her openness and lack thereof.  Dr. Oz I kinda thought was a funny kinda expert and not quite merited the hype but also not really...oh whatever, on to the good part:

I think up until a few weeks ago, I would've only said with animals.  If I see an animal, it doesn't take a thought, I just want to play with it and be joyful and I let go of all my thoughts or concerns.  It sounds silly, but even when walking down the street, if there's a dog being walked, no matter what's going on, I can always look at it and smile, if the owner's in a hurry and doesn't want strangers touching his/her dog.  It just clears things up in an instant.  Even pigeons do that.  I see a pigeon, I immediately re-center and feel joyful, playful, myself.

I think the universe has sorta reborn my belief in myself and my abilities, as well as the potential for the universe to be a magical, creative place.  I think I got bogged down in thinking things had to line up the way I was told they should, or the way important people in my life claim it should, and I was feeling off and out of balance and just stuck without a source of real power to act or make change.  Then, randomly, after the new year, I think after a trip to Mexico, I felt different.  My friends started encouraging different beautiful things (though they always do that, I think there was just a shift in my optimism), and though I was no pessimist before, any vestiges of doubt or frustration stopped being so darn hard to just let go of.  Not that I don't have huge moments of fear and doubt and sadness and WTF?ness, but there is just generally a larger sense that we are all creating a better world for ourselves and those around us.

Really nice and perfect right now.  Am sick with a body flu and quite disrupted and physically out of it and mentally wooooh and emotionally ehhhh, so yeah, it's nice to feel that I'm safe.  That and my humidifier and tea.  So nice....

Well, I dunno about a full-on epiphany, but definitely a reminder that the universe works in mysterious, wonderful ways...I was shopping at a bookstore yesterday, and found a book I really wanted to get.  It was part of a buy one get the 2nd half-off deal.  After about an hour of looking through the other books to choose from, finding none that 'clicked,' I started to feel frustrated with my own urge to bargain hunt and thought, "I really just want this expensive book that I want to be on sale (sigh)."  Then I hear a loud THUD.  A book had fallen off the shelf behind me, very very loudly it seemed, but no one else, even a lady walking by, paid any attention.  I picked it up and looked at it and thought "Ooh, don't want this one."  So I look to put it back, high up on this shelf where I hadn't looked before, and right next to it was the same book I wanted to get, except with a 20% off sticker on it.  It appeared that this book was under 2 different promotions, but I wouldn't have noticed if the book hadn't fallen.  Things like that always make me smile and think of the synchronicity and flow and wonder of it all. :)